Friday, September 30, 2011

wolves in sheeps clothing

**warning, major sharing here... maybe too much***

So i wasnt even going to post this... I wrote it last night and decided to sleep on it. And then this morning decided to post my loving post instead.

But things have got even worse today and I need to vent...

This isn't the post I planned to write tonight... The post I planned was about loving and all those awesome things. In fact I had an AWESOME post to put up.

But this is on my heart, its keeping me up at midnight and its making me hurt. And the tears are falling fast and my heart hurts.

This is the update I have posted on facebook

"I genuine and I am honest. I am not perfect. I speak my mind, my face wears my emotions.
I am giving and caring. I put others needs before my own.
I am sensitive and I am loyal.
My TRUE friends know this about me.
Since when did it become ok to write nasty untrue comments about other people on facebook?
I have had a SHIT of a year facing all kinds of stressors including breast surgery and moving internationally twice. Everyday I struggle with depression.
The last thing I need are slanderous comments about me being made on a public (or any other) forum. (slanderous: communication of false statements injurious to a person's reputation).
Sadly the person who wrote it won't be reading this because for obvious reasons they are not on my friends list."
Tonight I have been brought down by not one, but two awful things.  I cannot even write about them because both are a complete trashing of my integrity. Im not saying I am perfect, but I know, in my heart, that I try to be a good person.
I am hurting and I can feel the darkness of depression barrelling in at great speed. I have actually felt it creeping in all week but there's nothing like a slanderous comment on facebook or an accusation from someone to speed up the process.
What on earth is our world coming to when women in their late 30s/early 40s think it is okay to trash people on public forums?
The hardest part is that the person who has done this was a friend of mine for a very long time. And although she is completely at fault for writing on facebook about me, I actually feel sad for her that she feels what she has written is true.
What else is difficult is that on Monday I will most likely be seeing her at our new school. Every day.

For my children's sake I am going to have to put on my armour, paint a smile on my face and pretend that it doesn't hurt, that I don't care.
But I do.
My children are feeling very nervous about starting a new school and rightly so. They are children who have faced so much change. What noone knows is that I find it really hard too, starting them at a new school means I will also have to meet new people, forge new friendships and so far not all my experiences have been that great. (most of them are...just not all)
I am a person who cares deeply for others. I go out of my way for other people. I give till it hurts and then some. I have a genuine affection for my friends and I am loyal to the bitter end. I know I am not perfect, boy do I know that. I fall down in so many areas .. because I am human.
But time and time again I get hurt by people... you know, those wolves in sheeps clothing.
I have heard (from Joyce Meyer I think) that God will give you the same challenges again and again until you learn what you need to from it.  Well thanks God, I guess mine is the nasty people challenge.
The saddest part of it all is that I am blessed with SOOO many beautiful, genuine and lovely friends but it only takes one or two nasty people to make me lose sight of what I do have before me..
And I think I place too much of my self-worth on what others think of me, maybe thats what I need to learn from it all?
So what do I do now? do I confront this person? (hate confrontation)
Naturally I want to clear my name, defend my honour... but is that the right thing to do? Am I the better person if I say nothing at all?
I am seriously considering closing down my facebook page (and was before this happened) but then Id miss out on all the genuine awesome friends I do have on there.
I dunno... Ive probably shared far too much so please only comment if you have genuine kind words or experiences to share.


Cat said...

All of my love and thoughts are with you xxx
I dislike deeply people who hide behind computers and bully other.

Jody Pearl said...

I feel like an interloper being that I've only just tripped over your blog but being a believer in things happening for a reason I'm compelled to comment.
There seems to be alot of this happening lately, you are about the 3rd blog in a week with a similar story.
I recently had a family member totally misinterpret a comment I made on fb so I apologised, my apology was met with a tirade of abuse which I replied to with a few home truths as I saw it and the response was alot calmer 'almost' apologetic. I now know how this person sees the world and they will from now on be held at arms length.
I felt I was totally justified in my comments and the other person was not, I stood my ground and they didn't, I am a better person for the experience and I hope they are too - although I doubt it!
I have no idea what occurred between you and your x-friend however if you apologising diffuses the situation and hands them back their crap it might help.

Jules said...

I know I'm not a regular commenter but reading your post made me want to reach through the computer and give you a big hug! Not what you need after what sounds like a stressful year. It's so sad to think that bullying doesn't stop once you become an adult.

I don't really have any advice on what to do now, I too hate confrontation, but just know that you are a lovely lady (I know we haven't met but I can tell from your blog!) and it's your ex-friend's loss!

My mum's advice in situations like this is "kill them with kindness" but that's easier said than done.

Michelle said...

Grr I thought all this kind of stuff was meant to be over after high school. I would just ignore it, she is such a $%^&*^%$%^&*(naughty words) for doing that to you. I feel so sorry for you having to see her at school, but you know the truth, you obviously have awesome people in your life and she is a big nothing!! Shame on her.

A Christy Production said...

Something came to mind, which is very hard to put into practise, but I really think it might help you rise up to the challenge - hate the sin, not the sinner. Something I heard a long time ago and try to implement in my life.

The best thing you can do it go up to her and say hi with the biggest friendliest smile and let her know that nothing she says will knock you down and that you are better then her.

And you don't have to be in your 30's and 40's to be on the other side of those comments. The 20's are hard at it too!

Renee said...

I'm with Cat...I have no respect for people that hide behind computers and write things about other people that are nasty and unnecessary. And that they would never ever say to anyone's face.

I don't have any advice, but wanted to say that if you need a support on Mon morning I am more than happy to come to school with you and the kids. You shouldn't feel alone at a time like that and if you think having another adult alongside you and the kids will help just give me a yell. I'll be there in a heartbeat.

Leonie said...

Oh Leonie, along with so many others I feel your pain. Gosh just this morning I considered writing a post along very similar themes... What is going on with the world today? I think people have a sickness in this regard and in general have become so self-centred and focussed. Not many see the whole picture or person - to the detriment and extreme pain and hurt the rest of us have to endure. Snap on closing facebook. I have hovered over that cancel account button many times and again in the last day... FB - I Hate it with a vengeance but it is the easiest way to stay in touch with some genuine friends overseas... Argh! Big big hugs to you. Hope you're ok and find a way to work it out. Big big hugs xx

Tammi said...

Leonie, true friends accept us for who we are flaws and all :) You should not have to put up with such behaviour and rightly so. As a person who has a tendency to dwell on things I say the best thing is to put it behind you (something I am learning to do more and more), hold your head high and be true to who you are. You so don't need people like this in your life.
I know all too well how hard it is to form new friendships after's something I struggled with for a few years after moving to Australia but given time you will develop the friendships that are worth investing in.
Thinking of you and praying that you will be okay :)


Andie said...

*virtual hugs*
I'm so sorry you've been going through this. It's hard to get past when someone is horrible to the point they reduce you to feeling so upset.
I'm glad you are putting on a brave face come Monday. Don't stoop to this other persons level, hold your head high as you know who you are and shouldn't need to prove yourself to anyone.

Jane said...

Leonie, I only know you through reading your blog and contributing to your Softies for Christchurch project, and that latter on its own is enough to convince me that you must be a pretty awesome person with her heart in exactly the right place. Isn't it awful when someone you considered a friend can reduce you to feeling so terrible. I 'broke up with' three friends I've been close to since school, over a trip we were meant to take for our 40th birthdays. I felt thoroughly ganged up on and deeply depressed, and had to shut it all out in order for it not to eat me alive. This was 18 months ago and I still feel hurt and angry whenever I think about it, and I wish I could be the bigger person and 'forgive and forget, suck it up, build a bridge etc etc' but I just can't. Guess I'm not perfect after all haha. Oh and like you I have to bump into one of these girls quite often at school, and we mostly pretend we don't know each other, which is sickening. However I have to say that apart from that my life is great and it has forced me to work on other friendships, which has been quite rewarding and affirming. So - ha, talk about over-sharing! Sorry! I guess I just want to say I'm sorry to hear of your problems, I feel your pain, keep your head high and... you know, I think 'not getting over it' is a legitimate option!

Elizabeth said...

I wish there were some pearls of wisdom I could share to make everything okay again... but sometimes words are not enough.

So sending big cyber ((((((HUGS)))))

Kylie said...

I wish I could jump through the screen and give you a hug. Let's catch up sooner rather then later:)

Cat said...

wow Leonie
it is amazing timing that I read this, as I find myself up at 4:00am with troubled heart about a strained friendship in my life right now.
It is dying and I am having a hard time letting it go.
It is someone whom I have been friends with for a number of years, and for the lost two we have been very close. I put alot on the line for this friend as she walked through some difficult years in her marriage...but when I went through a family crisis this year, she was no where to been found...that hurt.

while I am writing out my feelings this early morning in my journal I KNOW that this situation and the emotions I am feelings is telling me something...something about myself. This situation has triggered insecurities in myself, that there still lys a deep belief with in that maybe I am just not good enough...I know I am, as you know all the wonderful things about the challenge comes to live in that truth even when someone you care about shoots it down, even through the feelings of being hurt we need to live our worth...and there in lys the challenge for soft heart souls.
I can't change this person, I can only change myself. For me being honest with her about how I feel is more about being honest with myself....I don't want to put on pretty face, because in the end I know I am only hurting myself in the process. I am hurting anyways, you know? I would rather stand up and take care of me and hurt than deny myself and my feelings and hurt anyways. Either way there is hurt, disappointment and feeling of loss, grief...all those emotions that come when someone steps on your heart.....
I had this sent to me today and just read it now, very timely:
"Learn to access your own divine wisdom so you can end emotional turmoil, have more connected relationships and feel radically alive."

We know the truth about ourselves and we must bring that knowledge from our heads to our hearts and live...not just say it but really live that truth. It takes time Leonie, like a muscle that continually needs to be worked to stay strong. Be kind to yourself through this all....I know confrontation is uncomfortable, but aren't you uncomfortable now? The worst has already happened, she already said what she said. What if all you did was when you saw her you said this, "I saw what you wrote about me on Facebook, that really hurt my heart." and that is it, don't get "into it" with her just say your piece and walk away and if she tries to get "into it" with you, just stop her and say "I don't expect anything from you, I just needed to let you know this was how I was feeling."
It's just a thought and I know it is easier said than done. I did this for myself in my situation and it did free me...though as you can see I am still walking this one out.
long comment
thanks for sharing this tonight Leonie as you have helped me on my journey.
Love and Light
Embrace those who love and see you!

Stace said...

Leonie Im so sorry someone has made you feel like this :( I no it has been mere minutes since I 'meet' you but I couldnt not say something. I agree with the comments on people hiding behind computers! When I first became a mum I had the same thing happen, by someone who was meant to be a good friend, she was spouting things about me to all the playgroup mums behind my back. So at our next playgroup I asked her if there was something she would like to say to me, she got flustered and said no of course not. I told her I knew of the comments she was making and asked her to explain why she was saying these things, she couldnt, I told her I thought what she did was low and petty, that behaviour like that shouldnt come from grown womean and to man up and set an apprpriate example for her children. I felt better but I didnt go back to play group, silly really cos altho I had a few mums come and tell me they were behind me I was just too embarrased after what she had said, my moral is...dont let her bring you down Leonie, feel sorry for her that she thinks her life is not as amazing as yours and so has to gossip and be nasty to make her self feel better, hold your head high knowing you are all the things you have stated and show her her words mean nothing to you. I hope your beginning to feel a bit better with all these wonderful comments, xx

Sammy said...

Oh honey, huge hugs to you. You are such a lovely girl and I don't get why someone would write negative stuff about you. There is such good advice in these comments and I have nothing to add other than to say I think you are wonderful xx

kendylsPlace said...

I'm sorry to hear you've had a hard time with cyber bullying - something which I thought was a teenagers problem, not an adult problem! As hard as it is, I think it would be worth confronting your friend in a calm way, and realise that she is unfortunately no longer worth your time or energy... This may help you to get some closure, and clear up the issue for better or for worse, instead of wondering 'what if'... Perhaps you could even write her a letter if you hate confrontation? You deserve only the best - take care of your heart, lovely lady!

Little Gumnut said...

Hey lovely Leonie,
thinking of you as you're hurting and praying that in all of this, you'll know God's comfort and help getting through this. He is good, he loves you and he is for you, not against you, despite what it might look like. lots of love, Sx

Jacqui said...

I'll just add to the chorus and say I think you need to address the issue with her because otherwise it'll be festering sore you have to confront every day at school. it doesn't have to a confrontation, just a simple "I saw what you wrote and it was very hurtful. I sincerely wish you had found a more constructive way to address your issues with me" and leave the problem with her. The one thing cyber bullies don't expect to have to deal with is real life consequences, and maybe she'll learn a sharp little lesson from this. Don't let her think she got away with it, or she'll try it again sure as eggs.

Ms Kate said...

After my divorce, a time when I needed friends, I too had to deal with cyber bullying, from people I called friends. It was hard, but harder to try and hold on, so I let them go.

Rebecca said...

A big hug... and prayers now for you xox