I'm still debating if I will actually post this.. or if it will end up one of the many drafts I have sitting on my blog, deemed too personal or not well written....
But I have thought about this quite a bit and it's a topic that needs to be talked about more.
Today, 14 years ago, we lost our first baby.
I was heartbroken. I had never ever felt grief or pain like that before. It felt like someone reached into my chest and ripped my heart out.
I know my story of pregnancy loss is one many, many women share. Nearly every woman I have known during my years as a parent has experienced pregnancy loss or infertility. It is still so unspoken in our society though.
Three years before I had been told I would never carry a live baby. So with this loss, came the expectation that this was how it would always be.
I clearly remember sitting in the Specialists office, being extremely ill with Thyrotoxicosis from Graves Disease, and him telling me I needed emergency surgery or I would die, that I had a 50% chance of surviving the surgery and I would never carry a baby. I was 26 years old.
All I heard was, we just moved someones mastectomy until next week. I felt so awful for that poor lady.
Fast forward three years and we were recently married and made an appointment to see the same specialist and talk about our options. I knew going into it that we were potentially setting ourselves up for a lot of heartache.
I wonder now about the faith we must have had to try again, knowing how much our hearts were hurting.
When we were 7 weeks pregnant the second time around, the same specialist, with the awesome bedside manner, told us, you'll lose this one too.
But, we didn't. She is now an amazing 13 year old. And the miracles didn't stop there, we also have our 11 year old and 8 year old miracles. Perfect little miracles.
I can't help thinking, what if we hadn't taken that leap of faith. What if we had believed that miracles don't happen to people like us?? We were so BRAVE.
I've noticed, that as I've grown older I am not nearly as brave as I was then. I have let fear take up too much of my heart and mind. I have lost confidence in who I am and the woman I am destined to be.
I choose to watch my kids zoom around the scary roller coasters, while I sit on the sidelines. I choose to quietly watch the friendships blossom around me too scared to put myself out there for fear of being rejected. I choose to work in a job that is 'safe' and doesn't challenge me, instead of seeking a position I am qualified for that satisfies me academically.
I choose safety every time, over taking a risk. I have forgotten how to trust, have faith and how to believe in miracles. To be brave.
|image from here|
Maybe its time to take some steps for a BRAVE future me.